:)

Life

Here is a little update on my life. :)

Struggling - but learning.

I am my worst critic.  I am the only person who can hold me back.  And I am having a rough time with this internship I am in.  I am not failing, but I feel like I could be doing a lot better.  Because, my goal is to be teaching next year as a legit teacher/intern (intern because I won't have my teaching credential yet---but I still get paid), I put myself down for making mistakes. 


Just to catch you up, I observed the teacher for about a week and a half.  He then decided I was ready to take over and I have been teaching two periods, both level one, for a week and a half now.  Yes, it has only been a little over a week and I am already struggling.  What does it say when I get stressed over teaching level one??

Still, balancing school, my two groups at school, and the internship have been difficult.  I am currently taking 3 Italian classes and because of my internship I feel this pressure to do my best.  For my internship I make the lesson plans for each day.  I have to regulate the discipline if the students become rowdy, I have to decide the best way to teach a chapter without having any experience.  That's the hardest part - how am I going to teach something?  Knowing what you have to teach is no biggie, but there is a technique that you have to do.  You can't just give kids vocab words and expect them to learn them.  They need to learn in context.  They need pictures, repetition, written and oral.  So much to take in at once.  

And I feel guilty because I complain so much.  It is not at all that bad.  I mean, when a student gets a question right, when the kids are on a roll- participating, learning, engaging in the work I feel so proud because I am the one who has given them this knowledge.  When I see a kid who has been doubting him or herself and I don't let them give up and then they finally get it, it's amazing.  It is really empowering actually.  I love teaching, and although I have been struggling a bit I know that I will get better.

This is it for me.  This is what I want to do.  The kids might not know how much I am doing for them, but looking back after community college and UC Davis, I look back at my favorite high school teachers and they really lead me to where I wanted to be.  They always encouraged me to strive for the best and that's exactly what I want to do.  I want to show kids that there is at least one person out there who cares about their future.  I also hope the kids understand how much they are helping me.  I will never forget them because they are my first class.  I feel bad because they don't get a pro- but each day they teach me something new.  I hope I become a teacher worthy of teaching these kids.  That's all I want.

Calm Your Tits

First Day of Internship!!!

I forgot how crazy high school kids can get! Are you kidding me? I was so loud in high school especially in my Italian class. So who knows what's gonna happen.  But in all seriousness I am just praying that I will be able to teach these kids.  Like what if they don't get it and I can't explain it to them?? Vito says it's hard to get the kids to do homework, many fall behind.  I will try my bestest!! 

The teacher told the kids I was a foreign exchange student from Italy and that I did not speak English.  They believed it.  Some kept asking if I was a TA so does that mean I look like a 17-18 year old?? lol. Kinda funny, but sad at the same time. 

Let me tell you tho getting up at 6ish am is not the business.  I am gonna have to do something about that.  Anyway, I will keep you posted on what is to come. This was after all, my first day. :) So far, it looks promising.

"I keep your texts because they remind me that once upon a time someone cared."

I carry you in my spirit. I pray for you more than I pray for myself.

Dear diary, this man is fine. How does he know I like to be held like this?



Guy: Am i holding you to tight?


God knows I wanted to say yes back the hell up but it felt so good.
Dear Jesus please let this man let me go before I lose my mind. And he smells so good. Whats the catch? Please let his say something stupid like all men do at this time.


Guy: You know this feels like a fairy tale.


No he didn't that was the right thing to say.

Girl: What do you mean?


Guy: Just me holding you like this

I used to believe in fairytales but I dont anymore.

(From Diary of a Mad Black Woman)

I am not scared of lions, tigers, and bears...

but I am scared of the unknown, change, getting my heart broken, failing, and losing people I love. Still, change is good for me, it is good for everyone.  Looking back at 2010, it was full of positive change, meeting new people, failing and then picking myself up again and challenging myself with every step. 

I got my heart broken, found something I believed in, lost it, and started over.  It was painful.  I let my guard down for nothing.  I had help of many friends who know what I went through.  He has no idea what he lost.  He wasn't the only one this year either, but it is hard letting myself trust people again even though months have passed.  I tried, but like always I sabotage myself so people won't get close.  I'll get back out there, when the time is right.

This year I also got back in touch with my older brother and sister which for me was, the best part of 2010, and although I am still trying to catch up on all the years lost it is never too late to get close.  I believe that.  One of my favorite days this year was the time my brother came to visit me in Davis after years of not talking.  We went to a few bars and just caught up the whole night.  He was afraid that after spending so many years away that I was going to hold some sort of resentment.  And although years before I was angry at him for never coming around, this year I was at a point where none of that mattered.  I was just happy to have my brother back.

My younger brother graduated high school, moved out and is now pursuing his passion at UTI in Sacramento.  He has also grown so much this year and I am loving the person he is becoming. 

In 2010 I failed my first class.  It was a hard blow to take especially since it was an English class which is my major.  I am not going to lie, I was irresponsible, missed my 8am discussion times, and did not read every single assignment.  Luckily I took the class pass/no pass if not it would have brought down my GPA tremendously.  Failing does not fly with me so I've been doing everything to do better in my classes while still maintaining a social life.    

I became close to Tiffany Lu & Krista Marcellino who will always have a special place in my heart.  Then I lost them when they graduated in June.  Let me just say that although I only had one year with these girls they will be my friends always because they are true, open, and accepting.  We went through so much that I will always have their back.  The rest of 2010 has not been the same since they have been gone. :/ Still, I am filled with much joy when I hear of the wonderful jobs they have gotten and how they are pursuing a better life for themselves.

My interest group is still going strong.  Cannot and will not give up on that dream.  The girls who are a part of the group are like family to me and there is no way in hell I would survive Davis without them. LOVE YOU BEEZIES!!

AMF was definitely my drink for 2010.  I drank it at every damn event I went to.  Even if I have toned down all the drinking I did before i still have one every now and then. NO WAY i will think of any other drink for 2010 than an AMF. That together with the song SHOTS!!!

In 2010 I turned 22, started getting a bit more focused on my future, and  finally decided that it isn't silly to pursue a career as an Italian teacher and I am going for it.  I know it is what I want to do so there is no stopping this girl. 

Finally, I had so many firsts this year that I simply cannot name them all.